Handling Letting Go: A Humane Way

Pain Is Likely from Rejection, But Methods Can Minimize the Sting

I've been "let go" twice and fired once.  Each time, it has hurt.  Even for someone whose self-esteem is bigger than mine, the experience proves wrenching.  But, I've learned that it can be more humane; the end result holds the possibility for both parties to feel better about a pretty crummy endeavor.

First, of course, the conversation does not have to come as a surprise (as most of mine have been).  If there has been no feedback as to performance or cultural fit or business pressures leading to the action, then the conversation needs to have some element of remorse or shame. 

I'm sorry if this comes as a shock to you, but, we're having problems with_____(the economy, cash flow in your unit...) and we need to take some action to change the status quo.

The employee being dismissed gets at least a small slice of perceived sympathy.  And any sympathy or empathy can provide some salve on the wounds that get opened during this process.

For others, this tactic of mild subservience might not be required: one employee, Lou, that I had to discharge in the late 80's, told me that he had wondered why I took so long.  Shame on me.  He knew that he just wasn't doing the work despite my close coaching. 

Fear, of course, is the biggest motivator in all of these discussions -- or lack thereof: the discomfort of a bad fit is so pervasive that neither party wants to bring it up.  The fear, though, doesn't have to govern the process. Courage and enhanced skills can go a long way. 

OK, back to tactics: follow the old rules of 1) tell 'em what you're going to tell 'em; 2) tell 'em, and; 3) tell 'em what you told 'em.  So, there is the agenda: "we need to talk about something serious...something that's quite uncomfortable for me.."  At this point, let everyone breathe: a big deep breath as you move on to Step 2.

"I think it's been clear that we're having some problems in the relationship..." (avoiding the word "you" makes the other party less likely to become defensive).  "Perhaps we haven't been clear enough in our articulation of what we've been expecting or where we've been disappointed, but....we don't think this is going to work out..."  Yes, it's words; we're talking about minimizing the "sting;" these are tactics that soften what is, ultimately, perceived to be a hammer blow to one's ego. 

The tactic of taking the possibility of responsibility for the problem in the "relationship" provides a way for the worker to hold on to some self-esteem, to not feel totally blamed -- which he or she is likely to do anyway -- for the deterioration of events.  And for you, the terminator as it were, to not feel like Satan as you go back to your office, in whatever job security that you possess.

Right now, the person being spoken to has so much adrenaline running and fantasies occuping what little RAM he's got in his brain -- what do I tell my wife...where am I going to find another job...was I that bad??? -- that he's not likely to hear anything else.  Try anyway.  Find something, as specific as possible, that you found exemplary in his performance: "I really liked the way you were calm in the face of crises like when your computer crashes in the middle of a project..."  Don't make it up: be genuine.

Step 3: Keep trying to penetrate the fog of the adrenaline and personal terror: find something very specific that was needed that you didn't get.  "We really needed someone who could work lots of overtime and...your family situation just doesn't allow that..."

Lastly, Step #4: Acknowledge the situation's crumminess and validate: "I know you really tried to make this work; I'm sorry."  Can this overcome the abysmal sense of rejection that the person is going to feel?  No, but it can help and, if you can, why not do it?  And, of course, apologize a great deal: "I'm really sorry about this.  Is there anything I can do for you?"

Yes, this is, in reality, a five minute conversation.  And, it is discomforting to both parties.  So, the exercise I propose to be taken is just a way to reduce the pain that is inevitable. 

Of course, the easiest way to avoid this nasty conversation is to take the time up front to make the fit successful: 1) identify the skills and behaviors needed to be successful in the job; 2) provide more than sufficient information to the hiree so that s/he knows what's expected to be effective; 3) provide appropriate and necessary resources (training, office space, culture, tools, etc.), and; 4) create reward systems that reinforce the desired behaviors and provide feedback on a timely basis (not once a year, duh). 

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Altering the Societal Status Quo: A Practical Change Initiative

We Can Make a Difference: Four Non-Profits, Five Consultants Offer Proof

September 2, 2009 was a monumental day for this challenged country and state: a small change, perhaps big impacts.  From a small conference room at a tech incubator in Rohnert Park, California, four non-profits went away with help from five skilled, compassionate and experienced business consultants.  Change in realtime.  Common people -- not politicians or bureaucrats -- working together, to make a difference.

Now called "The Minerva Project," this was an effort born of dreams.  And frustration.  On more than five occasions, with more than four different local and state agencies, an idea of creating an army of consultants in California was ignored, spurned.  A friend and colleague provided comfort and inspiration after one such meeting: "forget them...we'll do  it ourselves."  Julie did  more good than she knew.

A simple aim of employing the unused capacity and good will of consultants was the "big idea."  No one was willing to buy.  Unfortunate.  What does this say about our non-profit and volunteer institutions?  Seth Godin, an international marketing guru, had something to say about the non-profit world in one of his recent blog posts:

These organizations exist solely to make change. That's why you joined, isn't it?

The problem facing your group, ironically, is the resistance to the very thing you are setting out to do. Non-profits, in my experience, abhor change.

To read the whole thing, go to Seth Godin's Blog.

Am I harping about the resistance to change?  No.  Am I blowing my own horn?  Perhaps, in a way, sure.  What I want to emphasize is that we/I are not beholden to outmoded ways of operating, thinking: I -- and you -- can make changes.  I don't have to be thwarted by resistance to some new ideas; I can make things happen.  And, in fact, I am. 

I'm hoping, too, that this kind of thinking provides some needed inspiration for others to do similar things: harness unused talent and expertise for the social good.  I see the need for all of us, any of us, to provide inspiration for others: you can do this, too!  You can do something that will make a difference?

Now, I reflect on that May 2009 meeting with the Senior Management of a Volunteer Center; their response was not unfamiliar in my travels on this subject; I'd received a less than tepid response at the State (California) level, too.  I scratched my head a bunch of times: "why would some Volunteer organization whose mission -- to encourage Volunteerism --  turn down an offer of help from a group of consultants?"  (BTW, you can't find that organization's website anymore: http://www.volunteercentersca.org. Pity.)

Let's go forward and do something great.  Together.  It's more than possible; it's probable.

theminervaproject.org

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